Being a Mom has been absolutely life changing for me, and I mean it both figuratively and literally. As someone who wanted to experience motherhood for many years, having Bee is a dream come true. But many times, I could not help but feel that I had not been truly well-prepared for the changes mentally and physically, as I had been in terms of lifestyle.
Key Reason for Reluctance to Have Children
Usually the key concern for couples in countries with declining birth rates across the world had been a fear of change in lifestyle. Many couples are not sure if they are ready, or even be accepting, of the necessary concessions they would have to make in their daily lives, as well as adjustments to personal spending habits in lieu of a child (or more). Hence the debate for many governments in countries like Korea, Japan and Singapore centre around mindset changes of couples and financial support/ incentives.
Motherhood Changes the Body AND Brain!
However, parenthood changes much MORE than just the way we spend money and time. Not many discussions talk about the real changes to the parents physiologically, and in particular, to the brain, postpartum. And it is not just the moms who are affected. Even fathers may also experience similar brain changes, as this article in the local newspaper discussed.
Balancing Mom and Work Life
Complicating this challenge is the normalisation of dual income households, thus the need/ desire for women return to workplace quickly. As for the men – there is still some social stigma attached to fathers requesting for time-off for their children. There is a pressing need for better support systems for both fathers and mothers. But these need time to be improved upon or implemented.
I had always been partial to pregnant women, working mothers and fathers throughout my career before becoming a parent. However I failed to truly comprehend the true cost of being a parent, until I became one. To say that once a person becomes a mother, she becomes changed inside and out, is no exaggeration at all!
Here are the changes that a Mom has to go through, from start of the pregnancy, till postpartum:
(1) Your Brain Undergoes Major Renovation
As pregnancy progresses, the brain literally goes on overhaul, trimming down grey matter and increasing connections meant to make you bond, focus and be more attuned to your coming baby. Surges of hormones to support the pregnancy also hit the brain, accentuating the changes. And these “renovation works” continue up to 2 years post pregnancy. You are literally getting a new brain!
And with such an aggressive change, many symptoms are bound to follow, including:
- Increased forgetfulness/ Poor memory
- Reduced focus
- Generally feeling “hazy”
- Reduced mental acuity
- Feeling more emotional
- Unexpected mood swings
- Strange food cravings
- Energy swings
- Insomnia or fatigue
- Increased anxiety
- Predisposition to depression
I was lucky not to have #11 but basically experienced all the above symptoms. I know of many moms who experienced them all and some who sadly succumbed to depression with tragic outcomes.
(2) Your Body Goes Through an Overhaul
When we are pregnant, the physical changes are obvious and most of us find it easy to garner support during the time. However, not many people realise that the physical changes go way beyond just making your tummy look humongous. The changes are lasting, long postpartum. Yet many societies seem to have the unrealistic expectation of expecting mothers to snap back to their former selves, once the child has been delivered in a month or two.
But NOPE we don’t, we are not the same person or body, and it’s crazy that anyone expects us to be so!
Body changes that persist postpartum:
1. Weakened Stomach Walls
Stomach walls are weakened. This is to be expected, since the womb grows to the size of a small water melon, while pushing everything else up towards the rib cage. For some women with great genes, or are athletes, the waist and tummy may snap back. But for most women, expect a small pooch, a widened waistline, and in all, a shape that looks different from who you were prior pregnancy. Even after losing a lot of weight, many report developing loose skin, which affects their self-esteem.
2. Back Issues Worsen
My gynae had warned that any back or poor posture issues get more pronounced especially towards the last trimester. Many women have the tendency of leaning too much forwards or backwards while being pregnant. Having to stand or sit for long hours at our jobs also hastened the development of back aches and poor spinal curvature. While I was fortunate not to experience backache as many women did, I did notice a much more curved-in spine post delivery, which made me look shorter than I already was. *sigh* Together with the already weakened stomach walls, many moms found themselves dealing with persistent back and shoulder aches, as well as a variety of posture-related problems.
3. You Become Bigger. Permanently.
During pregnancy, the body packs on the water weight to support increased blood volume requirements. Your entire body, including your feet, will become the biggest you have ever been, even if you packed only the most minimum of weight required to support the pregnancy. I only put on 7kg for my pregnancy, but I grew half a shoe size bigger, which didn’t happen even if I grew fat!
I was fortunate to shed most of the weight quickly and shrunk back to most of my former frame, but many moms report retaining the increased shoe size, or going up a dress size despite being very near their earlier body weight. This is because during pregnancy, the body secretes a hormone to loosen up the muscles , joints and connective tissues, in preparation of the physical changes (with growing baby, the stomach, intestines, etc have to go somewhere, right?!) as well as for delivery of the baby. The ‘expansion’ of the body generally stays postpartum, especially for the hip area.
And for women who breastfeed, some water weight persists and would refuse to go until the baby is weaned. Imagine all that extra water and blood in the body hanging there for at least 9 months and up to 2 years (assuming we wean the child at 12 months) – every vessel and cell would have been so stretched!
Which brings us to the next culprit contributing to our increased body size:
4. Fat Distribution Changes
Prior being pregnant, most women report fat distribution mainly around the stomach, thighs and hips. But once past baby’s delivery, the body starts retaining fat around the gut, while preferring to take fat from the thighs first for milk production. And as someone who managed to lose over 15kg in total weight, I can attest how stubborn that mid-section fat is! But fat around the gut is the most dangerous, and the leading cause for many diseases.
5. Weak Bladder Walls
The bladder wall is weakened. Whether through a natural or c sec delivery, the bladder which had been under much pressure during pregnancy weakens and many moms report issues like urine leakage even during small actions like sneezing and laughing. This is also related to the weakened stomach muscles that had helped hold your core stable to prevent unnecessary ‘water incidents’.
6. Sugar Metabolism Sucks
Many women, particularly Asian women, tend to develop diabetes during pregnancy. And it doesn’t matter if the mother was at a healthy weight or not. The diet that we have now seem to be at odds with a healthy blood sugar metabolism, which a supposedly speeded-up metabolism in a pregnant body proves.
This may be one of the reasons why our body tends to retain fat around the gut postpartum, as our ability to process sugar weakens, leading our liver to prefer to quickly deposit it as fat around our midsection, instead of using it for energy. This is bad news for people like me, who have a sweet tooth, and those who enjoy a drink or two (because alcohol is a type of sugar that is not sweet).
7. Your Boobs Change. For Better or for Worse.
When pregnant, most women balloon up to a size or two, which happened to me. What most do not mention is that the composition of the breast also change, as enlarged milk glands take over fatty tissues that give our boobs our shape.
Once breastfeeding stops, the enlarged breast rapidly shrinks – which changes the shape and texture for most women for sure. And not to mention changes to the nipples and areola in terms of size and shape – while some may recover some of the former shape, size or colour, most of us experience some definite changes that leaves us wondering if our body is still the same (nope, it is not).
Managing Unrealistic Expectations
As someone who has never been bothered much by the perceived attractiveness of my body, even I felt alarmed and became affected by the changes. As of today, even after shedding all the pregnancy pounds and weighing less than I had been in 15years, I still feel less confident of the body I have than how I was prior pregnancy. I am not sure if this has to do with the real changes that I observe in my body, or that it is the sneaky result of my brain’s renovation work. So, imagine the effect on women who pride over their appearance, or looks had been a factor in their careers. It can be quite devastating for their self esteem.
It also doesn’t help that in the age of social media, that we see many images of women sharing glossy, lean images of themselves postpartum. I mean, yes, hooray for you who worked hard and are able to snap back into model-worthy shapes; but for the rest of us dealing with a less-than-ideal stack of cards in the game of genetic lottery, we are much better-off reminding ourselves that everyone is different. Or if we must be influenced, be selective and follow only those accounts that either share non-altered images of themselves, or someone with a similar body shape/type!
Workplace Support for New Mothers
In my experience, staying in the workforce actually helped me mitigate the effects on the brain, particularly during pregnancy and in the immediate days postpartum. I had a really frightening experience with my memory in my first month postpartum- a story which I shall share another day- and I attribute working even while I was on maternity leave, as a key factor in helping me recover as much of my cognitive faculties to old possible. I have no doubt that staying in the workforce was what prevented me from experiencing postpartum depression- as I had no time to be depressed!
That is not to say that we mothers should be going back to work immediately, or worse, feel obligated by employers to do so. Unfortunately, there are still people who lack empathy for mothers who have just delivered a child, who are still literally bleeding from a hole in her womb (AND body, if it is a c-sec!) for at least a month. Would anyone expect a person who took a gunshot to be up and about in 6 weeks or less? No, right? Then why would anyone new mothers expected to be ‘ok’, only after a month or two?
Overcoming Cognitive Challenges and Better Mental Health
So mothers, work if you feel up to it, but do manage your stress levels, especially if you are also breastfeeding and taking care of the baby. For mothers who choose not to work, do something that is of meaning to you, of which progress is tangible or trackable, like cooking (take photos!), blogging or even posting on social media. Taking up online classes is also another great option. And most importantly stay social. Join mom groups. Meet your friends. Take walks. Pet your dog or cat, if you have one! Make time for yourself, so you can be at your best when it’s time to do the job of “Being Mom”.
I hope you enjoyed this post! Looking forward to sharing the next one with you- stay tuned!
