I was a working mom when I was pregnant, and continued working until my daughter Bee turned one year old. During the time when I was working, I depended on nannies and my in-laws to take care of Bee. Saddened by how quickly time passed by, and feeling that I had little involvement in my daughter’s growing up-journey, I made the decision to take a break from the workforce. My intention was to be a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) for about 6 months.
Fast forward today, I am almost reaching 1 year of my SAHM journey. Here are the things that I wish I knew and did:
(1) Reading Up on Early Childhood Development and Psychology
The first thing that I wished I spent more time on, prior to embarking on the SAHM journey, is reading up on early childhood development. Then I could plan on the kind of activities that I want to focus on based on the literature.
When I just started, I had no idea what to do, and only haphazardly followed examples in social media. Some of the advice taken, were also from registered paediatricians. I chose actions and activities based on skill sets that I would like to see my daughter to acquire. Like most Asian moms, I hope for my child to do well academically in the future. I would love for her to get a head start, but I also wanted to develop a balanced interest in the arts. Examples include drawing, painting, music, dance, sport, and so on.
However, many methods didn’t work well i.e. Bee did not seem to respond or learn anything. After many frustrating attempts, I finally took the time and effort to read up and research deeper on early childhood development and psychology, so that I could filter out the activities/tips that worked, and those were probably not as helpful.
I wished that I had made the research effort right from the start, so that I could focus on meaningful and age appropriate activities as early as possible.
(2) Follow Interests, Not Trends
The Montessori learning approach with its focus on sensory play and life skill development is currently very popular, and apparently useful for developing traits such as focus and independence. Studies show that children educated in the Montessori approach may do better in reading, numeracy and acquisition of life skills.There is also a plethora of Montessori-learning accounts in social media, with emphasis on sensory bins, open-play and mini simulations of the adult world.
Meanwhile, Singapore, being a country famous for her “kiasu”culture, has plenty of baby/toddler enrichment classes for anxious first-time parents like me to choose from. My husband, at suggestion of his peers, enrolled Bee to one such class as well. It featured weekly 45 minute sessions packed with many mini lessons of foreign language exposure, music, vocabulary, phonetics and numeracy concepts. The lessons were delivered via flashcards and velcro puzzles. Parents are encouraged to repeat the taught activities back at home.
It was literally a tidal wave of educational activities for a tiny toddler!
It took A LOT of trial and error before I figured out which activities were the ones suitable for Bee. Especially activities on sensory play/ sensory bins; I lost count of how many of them were actually totally boring for Bee, yet took me so much time and effort to set up!
And don’t get me started on the cleaning! Even for those bins/activities she enjoyed, clean up time post-play way exceeded the time she took on the activities, which meant taking away MY time with her. Not exactly the outcome I was trying to achieve!
Fast forward 1 year, I realised that activities that were actually effective in her development and learning are the ones that she is naturally interested in. She learns the fastest when information or skill is presented in the ways that engages her most; for example, in books, song, dance, soft toys, animations, and real-life simulations. Being a very curious child, she is open to any form of stimuli or teaching methods presented to her. But no amount of flash cards, puzzles, and sensory bins, will deliver as much learning as the examples I had given, as she is just not wired that way, at least not for now.
While it is good to give her as much exposure as possible, true learning only happens when we cater to our children’s natural interests first.
(3) Prioritise Sleep and Rest
Some babies/toddlers are able to sleep through the night without need for a feed. But for Bee, who has a small frame and appetite, and is already underweight, we have no choice but not to restrict her night feeds.
This meant that sleep has been mostly interrupted for me, the main caregiver. Prior to having Bee, my usual bed time was between 11-12pm. But with the consistent sleep disruption , sleep HAS to be prioritised over usual pre-bed habits, no matter what!
But bad habits die hard, and the end result was me getting sick almost every month. Not to mention the general lack of energy and temper flares whenever Bee, inevitably as all toddlers do, hit my trigger buttons.
(4) Make a Plan & Document Everyday
When I just started the SAHM journey, I did not take any photos, vids or even notes of what I did during the day. I also did not make any plans or to-do-lists, and just went through day to day, feeling like a fire-fighter on emergency mode during the day, yet barely accomplished anything at all by nightfall. It was hard not to see days and weeks pass by while feeling increasingly defeated and empty.
So I started structuring my days with a rough schedule and documenting what I did with Bee through my private Instagram account. That greatly helped provide me a sense of purpose and gave a visual track record of what I was doing. They also serve as reminders of why I chose to give up being a member of the workforce, in spite of the satisfaction that work gave to me.
(5) Get Help. Do Not Expect to Tank It All Solo
Once I made the decision to be a SAHM, I terminated all my help arrangements, which was a HUGE mistake, especially for a first time mom like me.
Caring for a small child is wildly different from working in an office environment; not only is it emotionally and mentally demanding (cue resisting own nerves when said toddler is throwing a tantrum. Or throwing food on the floor for the 20th time) , it is physically demanding too (cue in all the “Carry me” requests!). It made my former day job seem like a total walk in the garden, with roses!
It would have been much better if I had eased into the process with help. For instance, I could put Bee at daycare for half a day, during which i could complete housework, prepare for the day’s activity, maybe catch up on some needed rest, before picking her up for the rest of the day. A well-rested caregiver is a higher functioning caregiver.
(6) Expect Childcare (Preschool) Challenges
When I made the decision to leave the workforce, I had assumed for a maximum of 6-9 months. Once Bee starts full time daycare (preschool) at 18months, my plan was to return to the workforce, assuming that Bee would be well settled in a month or two. And boy, was I never so wrong!!
Being exclusively cared for by either her mom, nanny or granny, Bee did not have much independent exposure to other children her age. Even if her cousins or a friend’s child come to visit, they were mostly a lot older. Her sole exposure of same-aged children was her weekly enrichment class, of which all parents mandatorily accompanied.
While we expected challenges such as separation anxiety and needing time to adjust to different caregivers and school schedules, what we did not expect was Bee’s fear/anxiety of other children HER age, once no parents are around!
In addition, being exposed to more children meant an increased likelihood of catching colds, coughs and runny noses, as well as possible HFMD. Bee was sick almost every month, despite the school’s best efforts to check the children for sickness and regular hygiene schedules.
This meant if Bee was not often absent due to medical reasons, she would refuse school, due to her distress of being surrounded by other children. It also took her some time to open up to different teachers and staff members at the school. Yet Bee has always been a relatively calm, easy and healthy baby at home!
Every child is different, but be aware and be prepared of unexpected changes and challenges, once he/she leaves a familiar environment and enters daycare/ preschool.
(7) Stay Relevant
I have the privilege of being able to be a SAHM on account that my husband is able to shoulder most of the household bills while I have a reasonable sum saved up to cover for my own personal expenses.
But I eventually will return to the workforce. While a 6 month gap probably isn’t too much of a concern to an employer, a year or more gap may be, especially with the leaps that AI is making in most industries. We not only have to compete with fellow humans for jobs and relevancy, we have to compete with AI and automation bots too!
It would have been much better if I had the foresight to include activities that help me gain skills to stay relevant in the workforce, or at minimum, demonstrate that work skills that I possess are still even in active and relevant, even if I am not formally working. For example, I could take up courses, or work on side projects that utilise the same, or related skills that I use at the workplace. Which comes to my next point:
(8) Have an Income Side Hustle
With all the “teething issues” that Bee have with daycare, I am not too sure on exactly when I will start working again. After all, my priority is to ensure that Bee is well taken-care of and is able to thrive at school, so that disruptions to work life may be kept minimal.
For me, work is not only an expression of self-efficacy and independence, it is a necessary endeavour to secure my family’s future. In Singapore, it is probably not too hard to be financially responsible for your ownself, including retirement, judging from very high employment rates and high interest on savings. But having to be responsible for your children, and for some, parents as well, makes it hard for most to fully depend on one spouse alone.
Having an income side hustle opens up additional economic possibilities, which also serves as a buffer in case of plans of returning to the workforce become delayed.
Conclusion
When I share these observations with my friends and family, many reassured that I was doing fine for a first time mom, and that there is always room for improvement. We can’t possibly predict them all!
And in spite of all the “hiccups”, I am still truly grateful for all the time I get to spend with Bee, and the support I received from my husband, kin and Bee’s school in the last one year. Just as I learned from other parents in my mom journey, I hope that my stories and observations could serve and help other new parents, especially first-time moms, as well. You’ve got this!
I hope you enjoyed this post! If you have any questions and comments, feel free to send them in down below. Looking forward to sharing my next story with you 🙂